Alright listen, best brunch menus are pretty much the only reason I bother setting an alarm on Saturday anymore. I’m sitting here right now in my apartment with yesterday’s coffee still in the mug and I’m already thinking about where I’m dragging myself this weekend. Last Saturday I swear I blacked out on mimosas at like 11:30 a.m. and somehow ended up with powdered sugar in my hair for two days. Worth it tho.
Why These Best Brunch Menus Are Living Rent-Free in My Head
I’m not fancy. I don’t do tasting notes or whatever. I just know when food hits different. I used to be a “two eggs over easy and toast” person because safe. Boring. Then one day I was hungover, starving, and the menu had things I couldn’t pronounce and I just pointed like an idiot. Changed everything.
Here’s what actually made me stop scrolling my phone and pay attention.
The One That Almost Killed Me: Green Chile Breakfast Burrito
This place near me wraps these burritos the size of a newborn and drowns them in hatch green chile that actually has heat. I took one bite and my eyes watered but in a good way? Like crying but happy.
- Potatoes crispy not mushy (rare)
- Bacon thick-cut, not that sad thin stuff
- The chile is spicy enough you question your life choices for about 30 seconds
I ate the whole thing and then laid on my couch for four hours moaning. Do not recommend wearing white.
The bougie one I pretend I deserve: Crab Cake Benedict
I know, crab on brunch menu usually means disappointment. But this spot gets it right. The crab cake is mostly crab not filler, the poached egg is perfect runny, hollandaise actually tastes like something. I felt like I should’ve worn real pants instead of sweatpants with a hole in the crotch but whatever.
Spent too much. No regrets. If you’re feeling slightly unhinged financially this weekend, treat yourself. Or don’t. Your call.
The Diabetes-Inducing Winner: Brioche Cinnamon Roll French Toast
Listen. They take a giant cinnamon roll, slice it thick, dip it in batter, fry it, then drown it in cream cheese icing and candied pecans. I ordered it “to share” with my friend. I ate 85% of it. She got crumbs and side-eye.
If you have a sweet tooth and zero self-control (hi), this is your villain arc food.
Bottomless Mimosas: My Weekly Bad Decision
Every best brunch menu needs bottomless. I tell myself “three max.” Lies. Last time the waitress started bringing them without asking because she knew. I switched to coffee after five like that made it healthy.
Pro move: if they have spicy bloody marys on the bottomless menu, switch halfway. Feels like adulting.
Things I’ve Learned the Hard Way
- If the menu says “house-made” anything, order it. Packet mixes taste like sadness.
- Always ask if the hot sauce is actually hot. Some places think Tabasco is spicy.
- I once tried to take an artsy photo of my plate and knocked over a full mimosa. Shirt ruined. Picture blurry. Still posted it.
Okay I’m Done Rambling
Best brunch menus aren’t about being perfect or Instagram-ready. They’re about that first bite where your brain shuts up about emails and rent for like ten minutes. This weekend pick somewhere new, order the thing that makes you go “wait really?”, and just deal with the consequences later.
Where you hitting up? Tell me your go-to or your biggest brunch fail—I live for the chaos. If you try any of these disasters, lemme know how bad the food coma was. For more actual good ideas (unlike my ramblings) peep Eater’s best new brunch spots or Bon Appétit’s guide to not screwing up eggs Benedict at home.